Oh shit! I just found a job opening for my dream career!!!!!
Now I just need to create some believable lies about my global traveling experiences and convincingly portray them in a video interview.
Hmmmm.......anyone ever been to Istanbul? Timbuktu? Anyone?.......
Minus the 10 minutes I wasted starring blankly at my computer screen, I have spent the last half hour concentrating on learning the Accio spell. Somehow it seemed more productive and less guiltless than sleep.
I’m still convinced that if I can master the spell it will save me a lot of useless walking across the room to fetch things. Thus in the long run it will save me time on my thesis.
Why can’t I turn my computer off and go to bed?
What the fuck is wrong with me?!
I’ve forgotten how to write a paper. I’ve forgotten how to be a decent student. I’ve forgotten why I’m in school. I have no idea what I want to be “when I grow up.” I used to have a lot of dreams…good dreams…world changing make a big difference dreams…but now… A lot of them sound good in theory but I’m not sure I want to actually do any of them in reality. Teach?...blech. Anti-biological warfare research?…too stupid. Outbreak investigation?…again, too stupid. Cure AIDS?…AHAHAHAHA! Who am I to think I’m qualified or capable to do any of these things? I have wasted 10 years in school. 10 years of my life. And a shiiiiiiiitload of money. Why am I here? What on earth am I doing here? Will this thesis ever get written? Will it magically write itself? Should I bother trying to finish my second master’s degree? Should I bother trying to finish my first? Can I finish my first? Did I miss my window of opportunity to succeed in life? Should I just give up now, save myself a lot of money, save my sanity, and get some crap job and just work to live? Will I ever feel like I can accomplish anything other than slackassness? Will I ever be able to sleep without feeling guilty again?
Fucking thesis.
The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
(taken from the Harvard Crimson)
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
You just might be a graduate student if...
...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy
...you look forward to taking some time off to dolaundry
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
(thanks Jules....these were great!)
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
I was enjoying another night out when I bumped into an old pal from high school. Nolan was the notorious class clown and close friends with my high school sweetheart. We hadn’t seen each other in 10 years. Lots to catch up on.
We enjoyed an evening of great conversation and even met for dinner the next night. I had a blast. Nolan is a great guy. And just when I was beginning to enjoy my singleton status again, Nolan popped the question: I had a good time…I was wondering if I could take you out on a real date sometime?
I told him it was too soon which is the truth. But now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I think I’ve decided that, for now, I don’t want to venture down that road with him. In fact, I don’t even want the pressure of that on our newly reestablished friendship.
Why do guys always have to go there? Whatever happened to hanging out purely as friends for friends sake?
Oh dear lord...some kid in a uniform just called me ma'am.
I am going to die old and alone.
If anyone needs me tomorrow, I will be at the pound adopting cats.
All the whining and crying and the copious amounts of alcohol in the past week have done nothing to aid my recovery progress. So last night I called the one person who I knew would be able to make me feel better...my best friend of 14 years.
I called and spilled my guts to Best Friend and she patiently listened to all the details of things gone wrong and of the grand finale. The beauty of having a friend who has known you inside and out for 14 years is that they are able to analyze a situation from your standpoint and as an outsider. I don't have to tell her how I feel...she knows. In fact, she called me the night of the break-up, right in the middle of it. I didn't answer it of course, but she told me last night that even 8 hours away she knew something was wrong and that she needed to check on me. Our connection is honestly that close.
She help me realize something last night....that I had been hanging on to something that never existed. Our relationship (this time around) wasn't about seeing if we could make it...it was a test to see if it suited him. He didn't' want to date me to see if we could be happy...he wanted to date me to see if it made him happy. It was never about us...it was about him. He dragged me into something I was resistant to get back into in order to see if it was something he wanted. All this time I have been amazed at his eagerness to wash his hands of me. In reality, he had clocked out a long time ago...he just never have the balls to tell me.
Knowing that, I was able to move into the next stage of recovery...the anger stage. I am so mad at him right now for being such a selfish bastard...for not being considerate of how any of this affected me. I can't be sad about losing someone who was so cavalier with my feelings.
Best Friend picked up the broken pieces of me and glued them back together. For the first time since the break-up I feel like I am going to make it through this. Thank the stars for best friends.
Inevitably in a relationship, females make the fatal mistake of making their boyfriends their best friend. When the break-up occurs, the first person she wants to run to to make things better is her best friend...now her ex, the person who broke her heart. Thus, the conundrum: Can you salvage a friendship with an ex?
Ex and I recently broke up but we have a two year old friendship. We really were the best of friends. Now that our relationship is over, is it possible that we can remain friends? Or is there a certain amount of time that must pass before a true friendship is possible?
Today is Ex's birthday. I believe birthdays are very special days; they should be annual holidays. I want to be there for him...to celebrate with him...for him. But the break-up is still too fresh. Is it wrong of me to not be there?
I know for my sake and sanity I need a moment of separation from him. But the idea of me losing my boyfriend and my best friend in one blow is devastating to me.
I know. I'm being THAT girl. The one who can't pick up the pieces and move on. I know I'm supposed to be stronger... He's the only guy I've ever really cared for.
This sucks so bad.
Will I ever be able to pick up the pieces and move on? Will I ever feel better?
Will our friendship ever be alright?
I couldn't face sleeping in my bed alone Sunday night. So I successfully avoided my bed by staying up until 7:30am drinking beer and chatting with a good neighbor friend of mine. Neighbor listened to me whine and in the end he told me I was a prize. It was one of the sweetest things I've ever heard and at the time, I really needed to hear it.
The next day, Ex called me and asked me to help him pick out a new bed (he's been in the market for a while). In attempt to maintain our fantastic friendship I dragged my ass out of bed and went with him. I tried to be cool but every time we would look at a bed he was interested in the voice in my head kept repeating "You won't be the girl sleeping in this bed." which of course created horrible visuals in my mind. I went home nauseous and brokenhearted. In retrospect, that was one of the cruelest things he could have ever asked me to do.
At home I tried to take a nap. But I couldn't sleep; I could smell him on my pillow. I decided I needed to rearrange my room. So I did. I hate it now.
I couldn't face another night without him. So I texted him and asked him to come over. He finally agreed. And I fell asleep in his arms knowing that it would be the last time I ever sleep next to him again.
So tonight is the first night in forever that I will be spending by myself. No call or visit from my ex-mate. Yep, that’s right…my ex. (I still can’t get used to that). The break-up occurred last Thursday night. It involved a lot of crying and laughing on both our parts. In the end he kept laughing and I kept crying because I realized that I wasn’t ready to lose him yet. It’s sad that the saying “hindsight is 20/20” is true; I realized that the problem with our relationship wasn’t anything he was doing…it was me. I was a total bitch about everything. I had a good relationship for the first time in my life and I milked for everything it was. Looking back I think I was just scared. I think I was trying to push him away, and unfortunately, I succeeded.
The truth be told, I’ve never been in a healthy relationship. Sooner or later the dude turns out to be an asshole, a liar, or crazy. I guess I just figured that it would go bad eventually so there was no need for me to put up with any of his shit or for me to curtsey around issues. I was the asshole this time. And instead of feeling empowered, I feel like shit.
Yesterday I met this guy who was the Indian twin of my Hollywood crush Elijah Wood. He looked just like him except that (obviously) his skin was slightly darker. I was utterly amazed and ended up being the "creepy girl" because I could not stop staring at him.
Then today on my way to the coffee shop I saw this dude walking across the street. He initially caught my attention because he had this long flowing hair (not a turn on of mine, it was just blowing in the wind). He was tall, broad, and lanky and I was thinking he was built just like an ex of mine. But as I watched him walk down the sidewalk I noticed he walked just like my ex--his left leg slightly shorter which gave him this kinda fast-paced strut....he even swung his sholders just like my ex. I'm telling you...if I didn't know that my ex was in another state, I would have jerked the car off the road and jumped out to say hi. It was him....but it wasn't.
They say everyone has a twin. But seriously...it's been getting a bit creepy lately.
I totally skeezed out on my prof today so that I could enjoy the weather. (Bad me!...Bad me!)
It was worth it.
I threatened my mate that if he didn't go to the wedding with me then I was going to break up with him. He moaned and complained a bit and then he had to leave for work. He called me 10 minutes later on his way to work to tell me he would go with me...that he loves being with me but he hates going to social events where he doesn't know anyone. I told him I want a mate that I can depend on to be there for me when I need it...someone that I don't have to threaten in order to get him to go places with me as a couple. (this is by no means the first time we've had this discussion). He said "I know. I'll go."
So, in true female form, I'm not sure if I want him to go with me because he made me threaten him. One of the perks of having a mate is that you have fun going places together and he totally took the fun out of it. I'm still not sure if I should just break up with him because I don't want to have to go through this every time I want us to go out. Having someone to depend on...someone I can count on to be there for me...someone who wants to do things with me...is very important to me. I just don't know if it's enough to end an otherwise good relationship over.
My crappy car adventure yesterday was only the beginning of what turned out to be a VERY bad day. But when I got home my mate came over with beer, gave me a hug, and rubbed my back. In other words, he made it virtually impossible for me to break up with him.
I'm a terrible girlfriend.
But the weather is simple gorgeous today.
So another day in the life of "Me and my Crappy Car." Today's little adventure began on my way to the financial aid office at the hospital where I was attempting to provide proof that I'm too poor to pay my ginormous CAT scan bill (you'd be utterly amazed at how much the hospital is allowed to charge for a procedure that took less than 8 minutes). Anywho....I rolled down my window for a sec to toss out my ciggy (was this litter bug karma?) and low and behold my stupid window will not roll back up. Fabulous. So after providing my "I'm poor" proof, I drove over to the mechanic so that he could at least pull my window up so that I wouldn't be rained on during my two hour drive back to school. I figure 10 minutes top...they just pull it up and off I drive. Unfortunately stuff like that only happens in Crappy Car Fairytales. The window's not off track...nor is the motor out. Oh no....the switch isn't working. Which in mechanic language translates to "I'm going to have to rip your entire door off, probably break alot of things in the process, and make you stand out in the heat for an hour and a half." The dude had to reverse polarity on my switch to get it to go back up and he could have just left if unhooked so that my dumb-ass wouldn't accidentally roll it down again, but he set it right again so that "in case i run off a bridge [I] will still be able to roll the window down and swim out of [my] car." And with that comforting thought, an hour and a half later I pulled away with what had been my only working window taunting me,...daring me to roll it down again and smugly awaiting the day that I fuck up and forget. So no more windows for me. Well, at least until I shell out the $200 it will cost me to replace the switch. No more smoking, drive-thrus, or ATMs in my car for a while.
Moral of the story:
a) If you bat your eye-lashes at the mechanic he will charge you less than he should (or in this case, nothing at all).
b) Watching a mechanic rip your car apart is one of the scariest events to witness. That is why they always make you leave it over night...to save you from the anxiety and horror.
This weekend I have been delightfully invited to attend THE event dreaded by singletons the world over......a wedding. Now having been single for the better part of twenty-.....er.....odd years, I was excited knowing that now that I have a mate I wouldn't, for the first time, be the lonely gal conversing with her third piece of cake while everyone else is off dancing. HOWEVER................
My mate has decided he isn't going to go. Now, I'm pissed...this is the second time I have required the use of an escort and my mate has refused. And I want to bitch and I want to scream and I want to demand that he live up to his mate-ly duties and go, suck it up, and at least pretend to have a good time. BUT.................
This weekend is also the annual celebration of my mate's birth and his family is having a party on Sunday (the day after the wedding). I Have Absolutely No Desire To Go. I do not like hanging with him around his family because no one , especially him, speaks to me. I can think of much better ways for me to spend my time than as an outcast in the corner.
So here in lies the conundrum....is it completely irrational of me as a female to insist that my mate attend the wedding and still refuse to attend his family-time birthday party?
