one half

I miss her.

I miss her so much.

It's almost 4am and I have a midterm tomorrow that I haven't studied for yet. All I can think about is her. How much I want to hear her voice, hug her one more time. But I never will again.

I'm falling apart. I'm broken on the inside.

She was half of me. The other half of my soul. We had the relationship that people dream of having their whole lives but don't believe it exists because no one ever gets to experience it. But we had it. We were soul mates in the truest form. Our friendship knew no bounds. For those of you who think of friendship and love in conventional norms, you will never be able to understand what we had. From hundreds of miles away we could feel each other's pain, feel each other's happiness. We didn't need a phone to speak to each other. But she always knew when to call. She always knew when I needed her most. And in my worst moments, I can still feel her next to me, telling me to dry my tears, that it will be alright. She is still near me, but she is so, so far away. In its purest sense, we loved each other. We were half of each other.

And now I am one half. I am hollow inside. I am broken. And I cannot function.

No, I'm not okay, so don't ask. I have been sleepwalking through life for the last two weeks. I am angry. I am in denial. I am numb. I am in so much pain I cannot breathe. I cannot sleep. I wake from nightmares I cannot remember.

My very being has been ripped in half. It's not natural. It feels like there is a tear in the very fabric of the universe. It's not right. This isn't right. We are not supposed to exist without the other.

It's not okay. It won't ever be okay. It won't ever get better. Life may go on, but what's the point. Everything is off. The colors look funny, the sounds are distant, and the people seem weird. Everything is bland and numb. I wasn't meant to live without her.

You don't get it. That's okay. No one does. She is the only person who ever did or will ever know how I truly feel. She is the only person who understands what this feels like. I know because I can feel her pain, too.