ape*bumps

I just managed (somewhat accidently) to use my thesis title in a sentence.

And even more beautiful...it was the last sentence of my 4 page intro.

Gut-clenching creativity at its best.

(Chills.)

Spinning

so much work to do. so much work done. so much more to do.

read articles for thesis. type bib for work. type article summary for thesis. read articles for class. type photo log for work. read chapters for class. find another article for thesis. prepare presentation for class. get books for work. type summary of presentation for class. read more chapters for other class. locate articles online for work. type lit review for thesis. meeting with prof for advise. class for 10 hours. call best friend. edit lit review for thesis. call sister. submit thesis proposal. edit thesis proposal. resubmit thesis proposal. reedit thesis proposal. prepare for thesis proposal defense. pack for work trip. gather articles to read for class. thesis. thesis. thesis. work. thesis. class. thesis. thesis. thesis.

i know how much longer i can stay on this ride.

blueblood

there's no way. it's just not doable. it's not possible. no matter how hard i try to cram the pieces together, the puzzle won't work. there's just not enough time.

i fucked up. i fucked it all up. school. my life. i royally fucked it up. i'm a royal fuckup.

when i think about it i lose the ability to breathe properly. when i think about it i am clouded by a numbing calm.

and all i can think about is how bad i seem to fuck everything up. always.

sure there are other options. but i have wasted so much time, so much energy, so much half-assed effort. i have wasted so much. it was such a waste. i am a waste.

party animal

sometimes i feel like i'm so full of bullshit it's ridiculous. i seriously thought i could do this. i really thought i would be able to pull off both masters without a hitch. but the gods honest truth: i just don't have it in me.

seriously. honestly.

i know...i know. toot your horns. toss the confetti. she's having another pity party. i would like to. i would love to have just 5 minutes to have a completely supported full blown paranoid anxiety crisis oh my divine my world is going to blow up bonified break down. problem is, everyone is just telling me to get the fuck over it, that i did this to myself so shut up and just do it.

no one is letting me have my party.

and i need it.

because deep down i know i can't do this. it's just not in me anymore. i don't think it ever was.

the mating tree

given my extraordinary culinary talents, i tend to eat out alot. last week i was at the local KFC placing my healthful dinner of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and gravy. a truck driver waiting on his order asked me where i was from. he said my accent sounded funny. the cashier agreed. i'm from the coast. "yeah, you don't sound like you're from around here." huh? so chit chat chit chat...i get my order and on my way out the door the second cashier asked me where my husband was. i'm not married. "you?!...can i be your husband?" tell you what, if my current man fails his trial test, i'll look you up.

tonight i went back for dinner (okay, so i may have an addiction to mash potato bowls...step one: admit your problem) after i placed my order, red-shirt dude waiting for his looks at me and says "where are you from?" sigh...here we go again. cashier laughs "yeah i can tell you're not from here." (mind you these are two completely different ppl from my previous visit). chit chat chit chat...out the door. red-shirt dude is getting into his car two spaces down from me. he hollers "can i ask you question? how old are you?"...."are you single?" no. "oh well i was wondering if you were interested in exchanging numbers" (what part of no didn't you understand, dude) i smiled and told him he should have asked me some months before. then he says (i know...dude just let it go) "well, if doesn't work out look me up" so i (ever so sarcastically) said, yeah, i'll meet you here, at KFC.

so, in sum, if you are looking for a date or even a husband apparently you should be hanging out at your local KFC and not the bars as previously believed. one note of caution though, they don't get out much. they think folks from as far as an hour away "sound funny."

the bananas hit the fan

today was supposed to be my day off. my day to wash clothes, read some articles for class, and relax. nothing doing.

had a meeting with Big Wig this moring. Big Wig says I can't graduate. that none of the classes i have taken in the last two years are valid and that i have to stop taking CHS classes immediately and finish my thesis. problem being is that i'm 3 classes short of graduating in CHS (including 2 classes i'm currently taking) and said classes are only offered once a year.

fuck that.

i was not overly elated with her news. i pointed out that if it is such a dramatic problem of me graduating with 2 masters at one time someone should have alerted me. "we did".......Big Wig says. i pointed out that their alert came a full year after i had been admitted into the second masters program. "well you should have stopped taking classes in both depts." yeah well the problem is that no one ever told me to stop persuing both masters...in fact i was told to go ahead. "well you shouldn't have been able to register." never had a problem...no red-flags. "we've discontinued you from CHS last fall semester." no, check your records...i took a leave of absence that semester for illness. "oh..." seems to me YOU fucked up. not me.

so after 2 hours of Big Wig subltly insinuating that i'm a horrible student because it has taken me so long to write a thesis (it was her way of covering her ass) she finally benevolently graces me with a "special" favor.
(my ass...she was stuck between a banana and an angry hungry gorilla.) bottom line: i have less than a month and a half to bang out a thesis.

i spent the whole day running around campus like crazy in 100 degree heat filling out forms, paying for graduation shit, talking to profs, and getting signitures all in order to meet a deadline at 5 that i didn't know i had at 9.

and i've had a migrane since 7 am.

wanna hear about the pinched nerve in my neck?
or about my stupid car?

yeah, i'm tired of hearing about it too.

social creatures

well once again i have magically managed to stay up way too late while wasting hours working on a completely senseless project (such as making the background of my blogspot look pretty). which means that i will be extremely tired tomorrow morning for my all-important fate-deciding meeting meeting with the Big Wig regarding my graduation situation.

i'm so sleepy but the idea of going to bed is somewhat depressing. boyfriend is out of town (again) and had been for some time now. and he's not going to be back for a while. i'm on the verge of going absolutely crazy without him. all i want to do is snuggle into bed next to him. but i can't because he's not here and that totally sucks.

don't get me wrong. it's not as bad as it could be. i mean i'm not laying in the fetal position in the middle of the living room floor or anything. i do have things i'm supposed to be doing (i.e. homework and thesis research)...but yuck.

i just didn't realize how much i was going to miss him. i didn't realize how much i can't stand to be away from him (latcher?...what, huh?). i'm supposed to be the cool independent woman who enjoys being by herself and isn't bothered by spending a few days on her own. and i do. and i'm not.

but when it comes down to it, i feel like half of me is missing.

i'm such a ba"boob"

my car has a hose leak which is causing it to pour water all over the floor of the passenger side. the end result is a soaking wet floor that has been baking in a hot car. =stinky mildew smelling car. so i, the genius, decided to roll down the passenger side window (ironically here, it's the only window that works) and let my car dry out. genius.

an hour later i am horrified to hear hurricane force rains pelting on the roof of my apt. now instead of the passenger floor being wet, the whole entire right side of my car is soaking wet.

stupid monkey! stupid monkey!

traveling

we fluff it with cupcakes and cokes and diamond rings and nice clothes and fancy cars. but the bottom line is that life is basic.

it's not complex. it just is.

it's not beautiful. it's not ugly. it's n0t easy. it's not hard. it just is.

it doesn't care if your happy. it doesn't care if your sad. it doesn't care if your joyous. it doesn't care if your mad.

life goes on. it doesn't celebrate with you when you feel like you can fly. it doesn't stop when your hurt, when you feel like there's a hole in your soul.

it's not biased. it's not emotional. it doesn't wait. it doesn't pass us by. it just is.

it's a simple, non-complex process. it moves for all. not for the individual. it's something we all do, regardless of whether we want to or not.

it's a journey with no destination. there is not a multitude of paths. for they are all one.

no matter what our mode of transportation. no matter the obstacles we place within it. no matter how we choose to live it. no matter. it doesn't matter.

it travels on.