Oh shit! I just found a job opening for my dream career!!!!!
Now I just need to create some believable lies about my global traveling experiences and convincingly portray them in a video interview.
Hmmmm.......anyone ever been to Istanbul? Timbuktu? Anyone?.......
Minus the 10 minutes I wasted starring blankly at my computer screen, I have spent the last half hour concentrating on learning the Accio spell. Somehow it seemed more productive and less guiltless than sleep.
I’m still convinced that if I can master the spell it will save me a lot of useless walking across the room to fetch things. Thus in the long run it will save me time on my thesis.
Why can’t I turn my computer off and go to bed?
What the fuck is wrong with me?!
I’ve forgotten how to write a paper. I’ve forgotten how to be a decent student. I’ve forgotten why I’m in school. I have no idea what I want to be “when I grow up.” I used to have a lot of dreams…good dreams…world changing make a big difference dreams…but now… A lot of them sound good in theory but I’m not sure I want to actually do any of them in reality. Teach?...blech. Anti-biological warfare research?…too stupid. Outbreak investigation?…again, too stupid. Cure AIDS?…AHAHAHAHA! Who am I to think I’m qualified or capable to do any of these things? I have wasted 10 years in school. 10 years of my life. And a shiiiiiiiitload of money. Why am I here? What on earth am I doing here? Will this thesis ever get written? Will it magically write itself? Should I bother trying to finish my second master’s degree? Should I bother trying to finish my first? Can I finish my first? Did I miss my window of opportunity to succeed in life? Should I just give up now, save myself a lot of money, save my sanity, and get some crap job and just work to live? Will I ever feel like I can accomplish anything other than slackassness? Will I ever be able to sleep without feeling guilty again?
Fucking thesis.
The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
(taken from the Harvard Crimson)
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
You just might be a graduate student if...
...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy
...you look forward to taking some time off to dolaundry
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
(thanks Jules....these were great!)
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
I was enjoying another night out when I bumped into an old pal from high school. Nolan was the notorious class clown and close friends with my high school sweetheart. We hadn’t seen each other in 10 years. Lots to catch up on.
We enjoyed an evening of great conversation and even met for dinner the next night. I had a blast. Nolan is a great guy. And just when I was beginning to enjoy my singleton status again, Nolan popped the question: I had a good time…I was wondering if I could take you out on a real date sometime?
I told him it was too soon which is the truth. But now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I think I’ve decided that, for now, I don’t want to venture down that road with him. In fact, I don’t even want the pressure of that on our newly reestablished friendship.
Why do guys always have to go there? Whatever happened to hanging out purely as friends for friends sake?
